My Daughter

My Daughter
Remember when you learned how to do this?

Friday, June 20, 2008

Why I'm Here

Why are you here?

What is it that moves you to spend your valuable time reading (or writing) on the Internet about our energy future?

For some, it's simple boredom... others may feel a social responsibility to inform ( & be informed). Maybe you feel confused, and are looking for some bit of truth to latch on to, or perhaps your job has thrust you into this environment, without even asking. I imagine countless thousands looking at the price when they fill up, coming home, and Goggling like crazy trying to discern what's causing the crazy-high gas prices.

Maybe you feel threatened... vulnerable & exposed, & are looking for some hope to carry you through.

For each of us, there remains some launching point for the journey of discovery, which lead us to this place. Every person reading these words has some original purpose... intending to fill some need they harbor. All of us share this feeling... this idea of need.

I'm not any different than you.

As is so often the case... I'm here for a girl.

...of course.

My wife Marnie passed in Sept. of 1999 from suicide... hanging.

Needless to say, I was devastated by the senseless tragedy, ( & in many ways still am), and retreated into my own little world; which was basically raising my son David, and trying not to cry all day. It didn't work... I cried all day... every day.

I took as much time as I needed mourning this tragedy... more than 2 years. Ever cried daily for years? It's ... ummmm.... ...unpleasant. Eventually you get sick of almost any repeated pattern of course, (I say almost because I never will get used to the screaming dreams... Can you imagine your young child standing at the foot of your bed scared & weeping 'cause you're screaming in your dreams? ...me either, but then, I don't have to); eventually I grew out of my selfish wallowing in misery and an emerging consensus of thought tightened it's grip on my fragile mind.

You can't imagine the irrational feeling of guilt that comes with this most intimate event. How could I still be here when she's gone? It is so unfair it borders on insanity... lunacy even. But I promise you it's where all of us suicide survivors end up... guilt.

I have remarked many times, (& will continue I'm certain), that 'it's a funny 'ole world. I left my highly paid (6 figure) job in 2002, and began searching for some meaningful place for me to reside; Some way to sooth my terrible feelings... a task which mere alcohol was powerless to confront or abide. And as is often the case, the answer to my dilemma came from the most unlikely of places.

My son David & I bonded in many ways, and still do. When he was younger, it was music, the outdoors, art... and computer gaming. I have been participating in computer gaming for many years (decades?), and so it was a natural place for us to meet as cross-generational partners. We eventually joined a gaming clan ( competitive league gaming on the Internet), and made many friends and had great adventures. And so it was, that peak oil came into my vision.

A member of our gaming clan posted a link to Matt Savinar's website on our clan forum, and my casual click of the mouse led me into the world I inhabit today.

I was already acquainted with resource depletion topics for many years. That's why Matt's website hit me so hard. His eloquent description of Colin's "Peak Oil" gripped me immediately, and has not let go since. It took me a month to read all the links on dieoff.org.... and I knew what my place was without doubt.

peakoil.com

And that ladies & gentlemen... is why I'm here.

And it's more than a little cathartic to write this.

Thanks... much.

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